


Not Allowed (Now You Suck!)

by Ember6276



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Depression, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Komahina - Freeform, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Rough Kissing, Smut, Suicidal Komaeda Nagito, TW - depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:33:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29538963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ember6276/pseuds/Ember6276
Summary: (yes the title is a song name yep)Hinata Hajime is a college student – a biology major.There's this person in the library that intrigues him just as much as his beloved science studies do. He wants nothing more than to see what's in his mind, to learn how he works.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Komaeda Nagito, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So- it turns out that my lovely girlfriend found my account! Hellooo~ hope you are having a good day please drink water AHeM
> 
> But yea anyways this idea popped into my head like while I was working, and I was like, yeah, we're going to try this. Because writing is how I express my life.  
> I ended up writing like seven pages ;-;  
> but yea enjoy!

The brunette took a deep breath, flipping through the brochure the hotel had given him. Luxurious activities only the richest of rich could pay for filled the papers, exotic pictures of fancy zip-lining, a nearby history museum, a garden filled with plants from all over the world. 

He sighed, placing it back down on the table. Hinata pulled out his phone and looked for activities in a more reasonable price range for a college student. The closest thing he found was a library; even that cost a hefty sum of 5,000 yen to get a membership to even get access to most of the place. 

He bought the membership eventually, after visiting the place enough times, the brunette realized that he needed access to the books to study more accurately. It was a good decision, in the long run, he guessed, even though it stole money out of his pocket every two months, and he probably wouldn’t ever go to the place again after he had graduated college. 

Oh well. 

Hajime Hinata was a biology major, and that choice proved to be very tedious. He took the courses online, and of course, he had to pay attention in his other classes to even graduate college, which didn’t seem fair. He just wanted an education in biology, nothing else. Stupid calculus and physics. 

The library was empty and filled with all the books one could ever dream of, textbooks, novels, manga, sketchbooks, all of it. It gave off a very spacious feel, with white walls and ceilings that stretched up fifteen meters. It was quite busy all the time, although quiet as well, other than the flipping of pages and light conversation near the café in the center. 

Hinata took a biology textbook over two-hundred pages long just discussing the difference between aerobic and anaerobic respiration off of the shelves. He spun around, looking for a nearby table to sit down at, hopefully, an empty one. 

Sadly he did not have such luck. The closest table had one other person at it, and Hinata reluctantly sat down across from them, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

He flipped open the book and slowly became immersed, the concepts slowly slipping into the brunette’s brain as they had always done before. Hinata always found biology to be so . . . captivating. It was just the fact that every living thing had a specific way of functioning, so much was to be learned. Especially bodily functions that most were unaware were even happening in their own body. Cellular reproduction, respiration, it was all too fascinating. 

“College student too, huh?” Hinata was interrupted from his studies by a calm and raspy voice, almost as if someone was tickling their throat. It came from the man who sat in front of him. The brunette never actually got a look at his table-mate, and once he had, he was suddenly intrigued. 

The guy had pale, almost an inhuman shade of white skin, and even whiter, fluffy hair pulled into a rough ponytail. His grayish-blue eyes were soft and gazed at Hinata with a type of inquiring look. He had a thin complexion and wore only a simple dark green sweater, perhaps to keep him warm in the fall weather. His hands held his book, a novel of sorts, now set down on the table as he tried to converse with Hinata. He was really captivating, one could recognize him from across the room. 

“Oh, uh, yeah. I’m in for a biology major,” Hinata responded shortly, trying to keep his replies concise. 

The man smiled warmly. “That’s wonderful! Personally, I am attempting to get a major in literature, although it’s not really going all that well.”

Hinata tilted his head, now more intrigued with this stranger. Before he could ask any questions, however, he was cut off by him. “Although such a smart person such as yourself shouldn’t worry about me. I can handle my own luck.”

The brunette frowned and went back to looking over a model of how glucose was converted into energy. The other male did the same with his book, and all was silent for a few blissful moments. 

“I am terribly sorry for bothering you again,” the voice spoke again, “but can I get your name?”

Hinata kept a grumble to himself before replying, “Hinata Hajime. Yours?”

“Komaeda Nagito. Again, I’m sorry for bothering you. You can go back to studying.”

The brunette stared at Komaeda, slowly becoming more immersed with this curious figure, just as he does with his school work. What is going on inside his brain? What is he thinking? Hinata wanted nothing more than to figure it all out. 

He shook his head, trying to get rid of whatever thoughts were trying to penetrate his mind. He had already decided, a long time ago, that love was not something he was ever interested in, as it could only bring pain and hardship. It was a choice, to love someone. 

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Hinata closed the textbook and sat up. “I just needed to review some things, so thanks for distracting me.”

Komaeda didn’t say anything, instead just stared at the brunette as he went to put the textbook back on the shelf. That day, Hinata took the long way back to the hotel, instead of taking the subway which he might usually do, he just walked. That way, he had plenty of time to think over those previous events with the mysterious Komaeda. 

He was enticing, that man. Why did he act that way? Why was he thinking he should apologize for everything he says? The science part of Hinata’s brain wanted to see what would happen if he perhaps . . . conducted some experiments. What would happen if Hinata asked his number . . . to hang out? Just as friends, of course. He hypothesized that Komaeda would be super enthused to hang out with someone as “smart” as himself. 

As he was walking, his pocket vibrated and he pulled his phone out. There was one simple text from one of his only friends, Nanami Chiaki.

It read, “yo we are having a party at Souda-san’s house tonite and inviting a lot of random strangers it’s supposed to be wild - u wanna join?” 

Hinata sighed. Social activities such as the one Nanami was mentioning weren’t exactly his favorite thing to do. He thought about it for a few minutes, before eventually responding with, “Yeah. Sounds great.”

The brunette was the only one of his friends who actually used  _ proper grammar _ and it bugged the crap out of him. Was it so hard to just put a dot at the end of a sentence? Apparently so.

Once Hinata got back to his hotel, he crashed on the bed. After what seemed like hours of just scrolling through his phone, he eventually fell asleep, memories of what happened earlier in the day taking over his dreams. 

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

The brunette groggily turned over and smacked his clock, which he couldn’t recall setting. 

As he woke up more, he slowly started to gain realization as to what time it was.  _ 6:30P.M . . . shit. Nanami’s party.  _ She didn’t specify what time it was  _ exactly _ , but Hinata guessed it was near the evening hours, which were getting earlier and earlier because of it being fall. 

Despite not really wanting to, he figured he should get up and get dressed. He grabbed a simple white t-shirt and green tie, and a gray cardigan to go over that to keep warm. 

Souda Kazuichi’s house was a few miles away, so despite not wanting to, Hinata  _ had _ to take the subway if he wanted to get there before seven. 

The subway was just disgusting and the brunette always wanted to avoid it at all costs. Just the thought of all the germs made Hinata squirm with disgust. But he sucked it up and made his way down to the lobby and outside.

Souda’s house was bigger than any other in the area, which surprised him. The pink-haired mechanic definitely didn’t seem like the type to scrounge up enough money to even get his groceries. It seemed life truly wasn’t all that fair for the brunette. 

The place was loud, and the music was being blasted as people talked and danced and kept asking for drinks like the supply was unlimited. 

Normally, Hinata wasn’t one to go to parties such as these, but when Nanami mentioned that there would be a bunch of strangers, he couldn’t help but think of Komaeda. Although, he didn’t seem like the type to be at parties either. 

“Yo, Hinata-san! I’m surprised you actually showed up, man!” Souda wrapped a drunken arm around Hinata’s shoulders, who slinked away uncomfortably. 

“Hello, Souda. I’m surprised too.” Hinata looked around the room, attempting to spot a certain someone. 

Souda smirked as he noticed the brunette looking around. “Looking for a cute girl to hook up with? Rumors are saying that a special gamer girl is looking for you~” 

Hinata’s face instantly heated up. He and Nanami were always good friends, but he wasn’t sure if she actually liked him like that, or if he even liked her. It’s not like he should anyways. Love, as he thought before, was not anything important. “Oh my god, it’s not like that. It’s completely different actually, I was just looking for someone I met earlier today at the library. I kind of wanted to be friends with him, but couldn’t work up the courage to ask if he wanted to be my friend too.” God, he sounded pathetic. Hinata had no idea why he suddenly decided to spill his life goals in front of the drunken mechanic. 

“You might want to ask Nanami for that. She’s been keeping track of everyone who came in.”

Hinata simply nodded and walked off to go find his friend who invited him. The brunette eventually did, well, he accidentally did. He ended up just bumping into Nanami, who was lost in whatever DS game she was playing. 

“Oh, hey, Hinata-chan. I’m glad you decided to grace us with your presence.” She mumbled, not making eye contact with him. That’s just how Nanami was. 

“Hey, Nanami. I might actually go soon, so don’t keep your hopes up.”

She tilted her head and lowered her game, meeting Hinata’s gaze. “What do you mean by that?”

The brunette looked back up, once again trying to spot that fluffy hair that he recalled he could spot in a crowd. “I am looking for a certain person, and if they’re not here, I probably won’t stay.”

Nanami twisted around and pulled out what appeared to be a guestbook out of the small backpack she was wearing. “I have kept a record of everyone who came in here; if I didn’t know their name, I just had Yonaga-san do a small doodle for me,” she said as she scribbled down Hinata’s name near the bottom. 

“Do you have someone named Komaeda Nagito on your list?”

After a moment of tracing her finger down multiple pages, she looked up at Hinata with a sad shake of her head. The brunette felt his heart starting to sink in his chest in disappointment before the blond gamer-girl grabbed his wrist. “Hey, come here. We might have their doodle on here.”

Hinata looked over the girl’s shoulder at the guest list. There must’ve been over thirty people here, most of which he couldn’t even recognize. 

But one he did spot. 

A doodle of a fluffy-haired boy with a dumb smile stretched across his face took over a small corner of the page. “That’s him.”

“Oh, good you found him! I have no idea where he might be, but hopefully, you are successful in locating him.”

Hinata quickly thanked her for her service in helping him find Komaeda and told her how to write his name for future purposes. He then made his way around the large house in his search for the pale one. It took a while, but he was successful. The boy he had previously met at the library, engrossed in a book, wasn’t too different now. Despite it being loud and rowdy around him, where Komaeda sat, at a table in the kitchen, he was leaning over a book, seemingly oblivious to the surrounding commotion. It was so brilliantly peaceful and Hinata found himself wishing he had the same ability to do the same. 

“Komaeda?”

Komaeda looked up from his book, which appeared to be the same one he was reading at the library. “Oh, is that you, Hinata-kun? I’m surprised to see you here!”

“Heh, no, my friend invited me, so I couldn’t really decline.” Hinata was terrible at making conversation, but he hoped that he was doing good enough for now. “I’m actually more surprised  _ you’re _ here, you don’t really seem like that type of person.”

“Well, I figured I needed to branch out a little bit more, although that isn’t really going too well!” Komaeda gave Hinata a breathy laugh; it wasn’t the most pleasant of sounds. Almost as if he was possessed or whatnot. “Tell me, Hinata-kun, what’s making you want to talk to someone like me?”

“What do you mean ‘someone like you? I see no reason not to talk to you.”

He scrunched up his face, a mixture between laughter and confusion. “I didn’t think anyone could be so intrigued with trash like me! But please, Hinata-kun, what would you like to talk about?”

Of course, the conversation was being thrown on Hinata. It almost always was, and he hated it. “Uhm, well. I was wondering . . . what book are you reading?”

“Huh? Oh, this is just a murder mystery collection. It’s actually rather interesting!”

“Oh really? What sorts of things are in it?” He was curious to see what sorts of things Komaeda was interested in, hopefully, to become closer to him as a friend. 

Still sitting at the table, Komaeda scotched the chair closer to hold the book out for both him and Hinata, leaning on his own arm. Shoulders touching, heart banging loud in his chest he thought the world could hear it. Hinata couldn't breathe as Komaeda went on to explain the events of the story that seemed to go over his head, understanding not a word of it. Instead, he felt the words swirl around his vision that the page looked blurry, his ears not hearing anything and his mind falling into a daze.

“–and then the five remaining . . . Hinata-kun? Are you paying attention? You seem a little out of it . . .”

Hinata’s train of thought suddenly stopped as he whipped his head to face Komaeda, which might not have been such a good idea, with him being so close and all. 

“Ah, sorry, I just felt dizzy there for a moment.”

Komaeda tilted his head and brought a finger to his mouth as if pondering something. “Hmm . . . Hinata-kun, what are your views on love?”

Well, that certainly caught him off guard, so much so that he physically stumbled backward, forgetting he was on a chair. There was a loud bang as the chair the brunette was sitting on suddenly crashed to the ground. Chaos rose soon after. Drunk college students surrounded Hinata, bombarding him with questions. Hinata simply waved them off as he sat back up in his chair, re-meeting Komaeda’s gaze, which was filled with sympathy and regret. 

“I’m terribly sorry, Hinata-kun! I did not mean for my question to cause you such trouble, you definitely don’t have to answer it now.

The brunette sighed away his frustration. “No, it’s fine. The least I can do now is answer your question after making such a fool out of myself.”

Komaeda attempted to protest but gave up after a moment. 

“I see love as a choice, something that isn’t forced upon you. I, personally, don’t want to deal with it or any of the hardships that come with it. It seems like too much trouble that I  _ really _ don’t need in my life, considering everything else is getting in the way.”

Hinata didn’t realize he wasn’t facing Komaeda until he turned his way and realized his stupidly shocked face.

“That . . . was beautiful, Hinata-kun! I should’ve expected nothing less from someone like you. Now as much as I’d like to agree with you, may I offer something to think upon?” Komaeda said with a smile.

Hinata pulled one of his legs up onto his chair and nodded, “sure.”

“What if instead of thinking of it as a troublesome bother, you think of it as a puzzle, something you have to figure out on your own. Sometimes the pieces don’t fit, but there’s always the one that just clicks! Love is pretty much the same, some people don’t fit in your life, but others just click. You only get to figure it out by trying!”

Hinata took this in for a moment. Is that how Komaeda saw the world, like a puzzle? And he just needed to  _ try _ the people out. He had to admit, it sounded very . . . truthful, as if there was no lie in his argument. The brunette had grown up thinking love is a choice . . . but perhaps this way of thinking was better. 

Someone came over and slammed two drinks down full of some sort of spiked sparkling water. Hinata brought the cup to his mouth out of curiosity and found himself actually enjoying the burning in his throat as the drink traveled down. “That’s interesting, Komaeda,” he said in between sips. “For someone who talks so badly about himself, you are really insightful.”

“You are too kind, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata scooched the other cup closer to Komaeda, who politely declined it, saying he didn’t drink.  _ Whatever. He’s missing out. _

Despite not planning on it, Hinata kept drinking, one after another, slowly slipping into relaxing, giddy drunkenness, just as most of the other people here were. His conversations with Komaeda turned the same way, surprisingly, Komaeda was quite fun to talk to. He knew just what to say, and always had an interesting view on things. 

Hinata’s mind was successfully fucked up, as it usually did when he had too much to drink. He was fuzzy and he wasn’t thinking right, perhaps that would explain the following actions. 

Thankfully, Komaeda was smart enough to realize that Hinata was being loopy, and denied any drink that he tried to get his hands on. It was probably for the best. Eventually, their conversation had started to fade away, instead, it was now a game of who could keep Hinata out of trouble more.

“Komaedaaaa~. Come on just let me have oneee moreee? And then another and another and–” Hinata burst into giggles. 

“That wouldn’t be good for you, Hinata-kun. I’m just trying to help you here.” 

The night flew by as more and more people started to leave. Eventually, it was only Hinata, Nanami, Souda, and Komaeda. Both the brunette and the mechanic were drunk to the point where they could not even walk straight. 

Nanami spoke up, Souda leaning on her shoulders drowsily, “Komaeda-san, you wouldn’t mind taking Hinata-chan home, would you?”

“Ko~!” Hinata sang as he bounced around the man. 

Komaeda sighed and grabbed Hinata’s wrist in an attempt to calm him down, ignoring the multiple protests from the brunette. “I don’t mind it, no, but unfortunately, I have no idea where he’s staying.”

“I’ll give you the address. I believe it’s a hotel.”

Komaeda nodded as Hinata snuggled into his arm. “Komaeda’s so pretty isn’t he, Chiaki?”

Neither of them responded.

Once everything had been figured out, they parted ways. Nanami was planning on staying with Souda until all the alcohol in his system had been wiped out at his house while Komaeda took Hinata back to the hotel. 

It was a long and harrowing journey, the trip back, mostly because Hinata would not stop bouncing about and annoying the hell out of Komaeda; pulling on his fluffy hair, constantly complimenting him and making Komaeda’s brain turn fuzzy, ripping his library book out of his hands, and throwing it out of the car window, so they had to stop and turn around to go back and get it.,

He followed the directions Nanami had given him all the way to an old hotel off a busy street. It looked as if no one had cared for it in a while, like a shelf that had never been dusted. Komaeda wondered if Hinata was truly staying in such a rundown place like this, but didn’t question Nanami’s directions. 

Once they had gotten inside the person in the lobby pointed the two boys in the right direction, which was apparently the fifth floor.

Calming elevator music filled Komaeda’s and Hinata’s ears, seeming to make the brunette relax a little bit more. He leaned on the elevator walls, attempting to hum along to the elevator music, which he clearly has never heard before.

“Say, Komaeda,” Hinata mumbled, “how did you know where I live? That’s stalkery hehehe! Do you perhaps admire me like that hmm?”

Komaeda knew by now that it was best just not to respond . . . it’s not like he would remember anything anyways. 

The door to Hinata’s room creaked open with just a jiggle - had Hinata not locked the door after he left? Perhaps he wasn’t as smart as Komaeda had assumed. 

The room was very plain and neat. A queen-sized bed lay in the middle of the room, and a bureau in front of that. There appeared to be a small, not stable balcony off of the window on one side, and there was a bathroom near the door. It was a pretty standard hotel room, although Komaeda wondered why he couldn’t just stay somewhere permanent. 

“Here you are, Hinata-kun. Will you be able to behave on your own or do I need to stay here?” Komaeda asked, walking over to sit on the bed. 

Hinata bounced over next to him and grabbed his arm. “I~ think you can go but thank you for taking su~uch good care of me!” He leaned over and pressed his lips onto the side of Komaeda’s face, startling him. He immediately sat back up, said a quick “you’re welcome” to Hinata, and made his way out as quickly as he could. 

Hinata woke up, and instead of being at the party like he thought he was, he was instead in his hotel bed. 

“Erm . . .” He felt like shit and had a major headache that felt like it was destroying him slowly. Not the best feeling.  _ How drunk did I get last night? _ He could barely remember anything from last night, although he could recall Komaeda being by his side.

_ Wait, Komaeda? Shit . . . I didn’t do anything to him did I? Crap I’m going to have to go apologize and sort things out now.  _ Despite not feeling the best, he tried to get himself to become more presentable, at least presentable enough to show up at the library where he thought Komaeda might be. 

The library was unusually busy, which might have been due to the large sign at the entrance hinting at a book signing by some author.  _ Takatsuki was it? I’ve heard of them before _ .

“Hinata-kun?” A familiar, raspy voice called from behind him, and Hinata spun around to face the one that called his name. 

Komaeda stood there, a book held close to his chest. The cover was mostly black except for a few white circles and splotches of red, orange, and yellow. Hinata couldn’t make out the title from where he was standing but he wondered if it was any good. 

“Oh, Komaeda! Good, I was looking for you. I am so sorry for drinking too much yesterday,” Hinata apologized as he bowed deeply. “I never usually do that. I hope I didn’t do anything to you or myself.”

Komaeda waved him off, reassuring him that he really didn’t do anything too big. That didn’t stop Hinata from being worried, though. 

“Are you sure? I mean, I would probably hate myself if I hurt you.”

Komaeda tilted his head as if this was hard to believe. “Why?”

“Because you’re my friend! And I don’t want you to get hurt.” Hinata gave a simple smile, maybe attempting to wash away any worries Komaeda had. 

They were both silent for a moment as people ran around them, trying to get to the book signing that appeared to be very important.

“Are you here for the book signing?” Hinata inquired, attempting to have a good conversation with Komaeda.

The fluffy-haired boy smiled and nodded, tapping his book. “What about you, Hinata-kun? Why are you here again?”

_ ‘Because I wanted to see you,’ _ he wanted to say but decided it probably wasn’t the best of ideas. “Mmm . . . just here to study and relax after yesterday.” Hinata wasn’t exactly in a good shape, his brain was still relatively fuzzy, so he wasn’t lying about wanting to relax. 

“I see.” 

Hinata said his goodbyes, leaving Komaeda on his own. He had no idea  _ why _ exactly he wanted to be with him, it’s not like they even knew each other for that long. But something about Komaeda just made Hinata so . . . intrigued. He was kind, yet not kind to himself. He was helpful, even though he didn’t believe it. He had interesting things to say too.

Hinata thought about his views on love that Komaeda told him about yesterday. How it was a puzzle, a sort of  _ game _ . Was all he needed was that one piece that would just click? Who would be that for him, Hinata wondered. How would he know that that person is the right one or not?

Certainly, what Komaeda said was very thought-provoking, since it was making Hinata ponder this so much. He wondered what other interesting things were in that intense brain of his.

Hajime made his way over to the table he had sat at yesterday and pulled out that same textbook talking about cellular respiration. Biology terms flew through his head, feeling like they were taking away time itself. It was such a nice feeling, to be able to escape reality with just the simple act of pulling out a book. 

A voice broke him out of his studying trance, “Do you mind if I join you?”

Hinata looked up at Komaeda, who was already pulling a chair back on the opposite side of Hinata to sit down. “No, I don’t mind at all.” 

All was silent for a few minutes as they both read in silence, ignoring the world around them as Hinata had been doing before. 

Then Komaeda broke the relaxing silence all too suddenly, disrupting Hinata, “You are all too kind to me, Hinata-kun, standing my presence for this long.”

Hinata looked at him in question “What do you mean by that?”  
Komaeda gave the brunette a raspy laugh as if he couldn’t believe that someone else would not agree with him. “I mean that it’s very kind of you to stay by trash like me for so long.”

“Why do you say you’re garbage?”

Komaeda flicked his eyes to the side with a small smile as he responded, “because it’s what I am.”

The brunette didn’t understand him at all. Why would he keep demeaning himself like that? It can’t just be low-self-esteem, is it? “I don’t see you like that. On the day that I’ve gotten to know you . . . I think you’re very intriguing and interesting, the farthest from the trash that you can be!”

Komaeda’s look of astonishment made Hinata’s face start to turn red, and he looked down. Although he had to admit, it did make him feel kind of glad, that he made someone else feel happy. 

“I am truly lucky to meet you, Hinata-kun.”

_ What’s that supposed to mean? Lucky? You’re the one that spoke to me first! _ The two boys locked eyes for a moment, a strange feeling spreading across Hinata’s chest. Komaeda gave a true, honest, radiant smile, before going back to his book and becoming engulfed in the story once more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy angst and s*icidal thoughts!  
> Proceed at your own risk!

Hinata and Komaeda had been “coincidentally” meeting up at the library almost every single day for the past few weeks. Both of them seemed to be enjoying these coincident meetings, so neither of them tried to put a stop to the frequent encounters. They had now grown especially close as friends, closer than Hinata had ever expected. 

Right now they were in front of where Komaeda lived, and this was the first time Hinata had actually seen his living arrangements.

It was quite nice; as Komaeda has mentioned, he was lucky money-wise, so Hinata expected nothing less than a spacious multi-floored home in the middle of a city. His house was in a pretty good location too, right by the library and a few blocks away from the park. The brunette felt a twinge of jealousy as he observed the place, taking this luxurious home in. 

“I’m sorry, it’s a little dirty right now. I wasn’t expecting you to come over so soon.” Komaeda gestured to the books littering the floor and art pieces nearly falling off the wall. 

Hinata frowned. “A mess? Komaeda, lots of people would pay good money for a place like this! Hell, even I’ll admit I’m jealous.”

“Jealous? Of me? You shouldn–”

“–Shut up. Accept the stupid compliment.” 

Komaeda turned away and bit his tongue. He started to walk over to a couch that lay in the middle of the room, and Hinata followed right behind. 

The couch emitted a creak as they both sat down. Hinata leaned forwards uncomfortably as if he was trying not to touch any part of the couch, as ridiculous as that might sound. On the contrary, Komaeda was lounging, stretching his legs down the length of the white couch, reaching his arms behind and using them as a pillow for his head. His feet just barely touched Hinata’s thighs, a mere centimeter away.

For some reason, this weird feeling started to wash over Hinata, causing him to suddenly wish that he was right up next to the boy, instead of so far away from him. _What am I thinking . . ._

“Hmm, Hinata-kun?”

Komaeda’s sudden question startled Hinata, who was lost deep in thought. The type where he was so deep in his brain that he couldn’t even remember what he was thinking about. “Yeah?”

Komaeda pulled his legs to his chest, smiling. “Do you like me?”

Hinata knew his face was probably so red at that moment, and he panicked and sat back. “Gah what? What do you mean? I d-don’t–!”

“As I expected. Trash like me doesn’t deserve any of your admiration, as I am meaningless and trivial. Something . . . worthless.”

The brunette frowned and started to calm down a little bit more. _He just meant it as a friend. Yeah. I need to stop._ “Didn’t I say to shut up? You aren’t meaningless or trash or whatever! You’re important, Komaeda. Even if you don’t believe it . . . I-I do. I admire you and enjoy spending time with you!”

The boy tilted his head, with an unreadable expression. “I see. I’m truly sorry, Hinata-kun.” Hinata didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. “But doesn’t it make more sense that I am just here to be used?”

“What? No, it doesn’t! What are you talking about? Using someone else . . . that would be practically cruel.”

Komaeda gave a breathy laugh, his eyes darkening and giving an insane look to them. “Not if it is for the sake of hope! If my actions will make someone else happy then that’s enough for me. I’ll sacrifice anything for that!”

Hinata couldn’t think of anything to say to that. _This man . . . is insane. How could he think this way? At least I’m finally learning a bit more about him now._

“Again, I’m sorry–”

“–What are you apologizing for?! There’s literally no need for you to apologize! You did nothing wrong - you _never_ did anything wrong! I just– I just don’t get you, Komaeda.” Hinata took a deep breath and crawled over so that he was sitting right in front of Komaeda, both of them still on the couch together. “I genuinely want to be your friend, I genuinely like you. Why do you doubt this stuff?”

“Because it just doesn’t make sense that someone would want to care for trash.”

Hinata groaned and took Komaeda’s hand in his own, a bold move. “Listen here. The real trash is the people who are too blind to see that you’re a smart, interesting, funny, caring person to be around. Is that so hard to believe?”

“. . . yeah.”

“Explain to me why. I want to know, to be able to help.”

The boy pulled his hand away, bringing it to his mouth, almost as if he was trying to bite himself. After a moment, he pulled it away. “Because. I don’t see myself as useful or nice. I know people hate me . . . as they should.”

“I don’t hate you.”

Komaeda hummed in agreement, then corrected himself, “most people hate me, as they should. Ah, and the fact that it’s hard for me to trust people. I’m not saying that I _don’t_ want people to like me. Quite the opposite, actually. I just want to warn them that I’m meaningless. Compared to everyone else, I’ve done nothing helpful. Nothing. Compared to those hopeful, meaningful people, I am nothing. D-Despair-inducing.” The boy looked away, no longer making eye contact with Hinata, which he had been so good at doing before. His voice cracked as he talked, and Hinata couldn’t help but worry for Komaeda, how he hated himself like this. That wasn’t healthy!

“Komaeda.”

“I don’t matter, compared to all of them.”

“Komaeda.”

“Which, I mean, is good, because they all hate me anyway!”

“Komaeda!”

“Nobody should even interact with trash, there’s no point. I’m that trash!”

Suddenly, viciously, before Komaeda could say anything else more self-demeaning, Hinata slapped him. He didn’t mean to come out so mean, but he really needed to bring some sense back into Komaeda. “Shut the fuck up. Promise me this, as long as you are still alive, you cannot hate yourself like this. Is that too much to ask?”

Komaeda blinked, a blank expression still sitting on his face. “Then I guess I’ll just not be alive for much longer.”

. . .

Maybe it was the fact that it was said with such a monotone voice. Maybe it was the fact that Hinata never even expected it to go this far. Maybe it was the fact that if Hinata never interacted with Komaeda, he would’ve gone through his life thinking he was horrible and didn’t mean anything to the world. Whatever the case, Hinata’s eyes started to turn fuzzy with tears. His breath quickened, he couldn’t think straight. He cried out and lept into Komaeda, wrapping his arms around the boy’s neck. 

“Why . . . no!” 

Komaeda’s chest heaved up and down with deep breaths, and the boy closed his eyes as he talked. “I have nothing to live for. I’m sure that I’ll never become anyone’s first priority. I’m not looking forward to there being a tomorrow. I have to make a future for myself just to keep myself alive.” He choked and turned away again. Hinata felt tears fall on his hair, making him start to cry harder. “B-But for what . . .?”

Komaeda’s arms fell limply to his sides, but Hinata never let go of him. Trying to pull himself together, the brunette managed to whisper, “Komaeda . . . you were so kind to me. And now, I just– I never expected this from you. I never expected you to hurt yourself like this, and now me too.” Hinata took a deep breath and gripped Komaeda’s shoulders harder. “Komaeda-san I . . . I don’t want to believe that we just met to hurt each other!”

Komaeda’s tired eyes widened, surprised by the sudden shouting. He opened his mouth to say something, but Hinata cut him off, “A future where we can both understand each other is my hope! So please . . . stop crying. Stop saying that you don’t matter or that you don’t belong on this earth. You do! I want you to stay!”

Komaeda was no longer crying, but rather attempting to wipe away Hinata’s tears, watching the salty droplets fall into his pale palm. They both sat in silence, in each other’s hold. 

Komaeda leaned back, his head falling on the armrest. “Hinata-kun, I-I don’t understand . . .”

“You don’t have to. I just want you to know that people care about you.”

Surprising Hinata, Komaeda didn’t even say anything to that, he didn’t deny it, he didn’t try to demean himself . . . perhaps the brunette finally got through to him. He instead sat up, Hinata tumbling off of him. He reached the coffee table that sat in front of the couch, where a black and gray remote lay. 

The television flickered to life and Hinata asked what Komaeda was doing out of curiosity.

“Distracting myself.”

Hinata’s brows furrowed, but he didn’t ask any further questions. Whatever made Komaeda happy. 

As Komaeda watched whatever anime was currently broadcasting, thoughts ran throughout Hinata’s mind. _But we just had a really serious conversation, and he just brushes it off with a lame excuse such as, ‘distracting’ himself?_

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t come up with a reason for why he felt this way - why he wanted so badly to make sure that Komaeda was safe and worry-free. He wanted to make sure Komaeda felt loved. Now that he understood him a little bit, he could try his best to help him. It would be hard, yes, but Hinata was never one to turn down a challenge. 

“Hey, Hinata-kun? I’m going to tell you something, but I don’t want you to respond to it, okay?”

Hinata was confused, but he nodded his head in agreement. 

Komaeda never averted his gaze from the show as he talked, “that day when we first met at the library, I found a reason to stay alive. I never would’ve gone to that party later if I didn’t think you would be there. And you were. I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for the hope that I cherish so much, the hope that I find sleeping inside of you.”

Hinata kept his promise and didn’t reply to that, but boy did it sink in. Did he . . . save Komaeda? Was it really all his doing - the fact that Komaeda is still alive at this moment in time? 

Once again his eyes started to tear up, and he quietly let them fall. Komaeda’s head quickly turned to look at him, and his face melted with sympathy. Arms slipped around Hinata’s shoulder as Komaeda pulled him close. 

The sounds of the show hid the sounds of Hinata’s crying and Komaeda’s comforting arm hid his red and puffy face from the world. His world started to fade out as he let sleep overcome him. 

_-_

“Hey, Hinata-kun!” Dream Komaeda shouted, his green coat flapping in the rain as he reached his hand out towards Hinata. It appeared that they were both on the beach, with the ocean just a few meters away. 

Hinata ran, giggling, towards Komaeda. It looked like they were the only ones on the beach, as far as the eye could see. They walked, side by side, their shoulders brushing against one another. After a moment, dream Komaeda’s hand gripped onto Hinata, causing the latter to blush heavily. But it wasn’t like he was trying to pull away, he could stand with this feeling for a little while longer. 

_If only this was real life,_ Hinata found himself thinking, catching himself off guard. 

“Hinata-kun!” Dream Komaeda stopped suddenly and gestured to the water. “Look at how pretty it is. Just like you.”

Hinata was now aware that he was dreaming, he doubted that the real Komaeda would actually say that. But if he was dreaming . . . was this really what he wanted? Did he want to spend his time with Komaeda like he was doing right now? Hinata hated to admit it, but he thinks it’s true. 

-

The brunette sat up groggily, turning over to just realize that he was still on Komaeda’s couch in his friend’s home. Hinata twisted and to his surprise, Komaeda was sitting right next to him, his eyes closed in sleepiness. Hinata sighed and slowly twisted away, although not wanting to. If he wanted anything, it was to be right next to Komaeda still, to feel another person’s body right next to his, holding him tight. 

_What am I thinking? I don’t_ seriously _like him, do I? That would be absurd. We’re just friends. And besides, who would ever like such a boring person such as myself?_

Komaeda mumbled and leaned over so that his head was resting on Hinata’s shoulder, white, wispy hairs tickling Hinata’s nose, before returning to quiet slumber. The brunette froze at the sudden attention, not knowing exactly what to do. Was he supposed to just _let_ Komaeda put his head where it was, or was he supposed to move it off of him lightly? 

Hinata settled for the first one.

Around thirty minutes passed before Komaeda started to wake. It was sort of beautiful, Hinata thought, as he started to regain his senses. Hinata could tell that his brain was slowly becoming less fuzzy the longer he stayed awake. 

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda pondered, lifting his head to reveal his shocked expression. “Ah, please forgive me. It seems I have fallen asleep on you without your permission.”

Hinata waved his hand in front of Komaeda as if brushing the apology away. “It’s fine. I didn’t mind it all that much, to be honest.”

Hinata watched as his friend’s cute face scrunched up in confusion. Was it really that hard to believe that someone enjoyed spending time with him? That they wanted to spend more time with him and be around him and have him sleep on him again and . . .

_What am I thinking?_

Hinata pushed the invasive thoughts out; they had entered his brain without his consent. 

“You . . . didn’t mind it? Are you sure that’s right, Hinata-kun? I, of course, understand if you didn’t like it when I was too close to you.”

Hinata frowned as he responded, “No, I really don’t care. Heck, do it again if you want to.”

“But–”

“–It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter. Come on, ugh, what time is it?” The brunette glanced around for the nearest clock, which happened to be right above the television. It read, _8:37 PM_ . They had slept for almost 3 hours . . . Hinata didn’t even _realize_ he was that tired, and he assumed neither did Komaeda. 

“It appears to be getting late, Hinata-kun. You should probably get going.”

Hinata nodded and sat up off the couch, it creaking because of the sudden loss of weight. Komaeda pointed out where Hinata had left his jacket, which was hanging from the door to Komaeda’s room. Only at that moment did he realize he never actually even went in Komaeda’s room. He looked to the boy for permission to go in, and Komaeda nodded. 

The door creaked as it opened, revealing a wide, all-white room, although the bed was a light shade of gray. A light dust of books and empty canvases littered the ground, nearly covering the soft tan carpet. One window came from the west side of the room, being the only source of natural light. 

Komaeda’s voice right behind him startled Hinata, and he tried not to focus on his warm breath running down the brunette’s neck as he spoke, “I’m sorry about it being such a mess. I really wasn’t expecting you to even want to go into my room.”

“Why wouldn’t I? And it’s alright, there’s no need for you to apologize.”

Komaeda shrugged as he walked forwards so that his shoulder was just brushing Hinata’s. Their hands overlapped, for just a moment, before Komaeda ruined the moment by stepping forwards. 

He pointed towards the books that were thrown on the floor, “These are just books that I found uninteresting. But I have to read them, for school. And analyze the shit out of them. Boring stuff.” He moved onto the empty canvases, “unhopeful canvases. I must’ve stared at them for at least an hour before eventually giving up on painting them.” Hinata didn’t understand how a canvas could be particularly hopeful or not, but he knew it was better than to ask. Next was Komaeda’s bed, “my bed. I feel like you are smart enough to understand what I use that for?”

Hinata rolled his eyes, “Yes I do, you dummy.”

Komaeda nodded and moved onto the next object. Once again, like back at the party, Hinata became engulfed in what he was saying, becoming lost in his and Komaeda’s own little world. His heart was pounding, his vision was becoming fuzzy, it was all going downhill once more.

Surely Komaeda noticed the state he was in. He did last time. So why wasn’t he doing anything to help Hinata? 

What were supposed to be seconds of explaining turned into minutes; minutes into hours. Who knows how long they were talking for, as their conversations drifted all over the place. Hinata soon found himself thinking that maybe it was best if he stayed the rest of the night, instead of walking _all_ the way back to his place. 

Komaeda was overjoyed when Hinata mentioned the idea, saying he was more than welcome to stay the night.

“Where . . . where would I sleep?”

Komaeda tilted his head as if he had never actually thought about this scenario. “Ah, well, uhm, this is the only bed I have. Since I live alone, it simply wouldn’t make any sense to have more than one! And no one ever visits me either. But no worries! I can always just sleep on the couch!”

“No, I simply can’t allow you to sleep on the couch in your own home. I can take the couch.”

Komaeda shook his head, his fluffy hair becoming even more frizzy. “But you deserve so much more!”

“So do you, dummy. Come on, stop arguing. Just take the bed.”

Suddenly, Komaeda cupped his hands around Hinata’s, causing the brunette to turn a deep shade of red. “Hinata-kun, you are so kind. I am truly blessed to be considered your friend.”

Hinata sighed, realizing where this was going. “You aren’t ‘considered’ to be my friend, you are my friend, get that through that fluffy head of yours!” As Hinata said that last part, he dipped his free hand up and onto Komaeda’s hair, feeling the stringy, cloud-like hair of his. His hand found itself lingering in there for just a tad bit longer than he meant it to, and Hinata wondered if Komaeda could tell. 

The brunette then just realized how close the two were. Komaeda’s steady breath was on his cheek. Warm. Soft. Tempting. When had he gotten this close? Hinata’s gaze flickered to his lips. They were a light pink, the only splash of color across his entire body. They were obviously dry, too, now that he was closer to him, he could see the cracks that lined them.

Komaeda’s own eyes kept his gaze on Hinata; he did a wonderful job at maintaining eye-contact. His hands lingered by his side, just _barely_ brushing Hinata’s. Hinata started to get uncomfortable; uncomfortable with how close Komaeda’s mouth was to his, and how tempted he was to let it get even closer, he took a few steps back and sat down on the bed.

Moments afterward, Komaeda came and sat next to him. Hinata felt his previous uncomfortableness melt away. He met his bluish-gray eyes. There seemed to be a change in them, no longer did they have a hint of depressing insanity, but rather more of a sparkle of interest. Hinata’s gaze once again lowered, meeting his mouth, to his lips that appeared so inviting. 

His cold, pale body shifted closer to Hinata’s, and it was like he was asking him for permission to be this close.

Hinata had no freaking idea what caused him to want to just move closer and take Komaeda in his own hands. Was this supposed to be how love felt? But . . . he wasn’t supposed to . . . it was a choice, right? Then why was this feeling taking control of his thoughts and brains, without his control? It was almost painful. And yet . . . it wasn’t a bad feeling. It’s not like Hinata would want to give that feeling up. 

“Hinata-kun . . .” Komaeda breathed, the air sending a chill down Hinata’s spine. “Can I ask you something a little bit personal?”

The feeling still not washing away, Hinata nodded his head in confirmation. 

“Are you into guys or girls? Of course, you don’t have to answer!”

Hinata bit his lip and was proud of himself for not freaking out as much as he might normally do. “I don’t really know. I was raised to find a girl, preferably a rich one, and marry her. But I’m not opposed to finding a dude either. It doesn’t matter all that much to me . . . I’m more or less attracted to both. What about you, Komaeda?”

There was no hesitation in his response, “I am definitely more into guys.” 

Hinata furrowed his brows, wondering if that meant that he was possibly attracted to him too. If he noticed how Hinata lingered his touches, how he deliberately sought him out, how he was sitting, centimeters away from his face, just now, making no moves to get any further away.

Unfortunately, probably noticing Hinata’s weird expression, Komeada backed up on his own accords. “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun! Does that make you uncomfortable, knowing that I may be attracted to you?”  
Hinata found himself laughing at just the absurdity of it. “Why would that make me uncomfortable? What, it’s not like you’d _really_ be attracted to _me_ anyway. We just met!”

Instead of laughing with him, as Hinata thought, he only sighed and shook his head. “You’d be impressed at how fast someone might become interested in you like that.”

“What are you saying?”

Komaeda once again turned to meet his face, and Hinata let that feeling of overpowering attraction take over him again. He still hadn’t yet discovered a reason for _why_ he felt this way, but did he really need a reason? Now knowing the boy for longer, he felt even more justified in his undoubted fascination. 

“I’m saying that the way that you care so much about another being, especially one that is not worth your time, is very admirable. Your honesty, your cute worry self, it’s all too wonderful to pass up.”

 _Komaeda just called me . . . cute? What is happening . . . this has to be just another dream, right?_ But deep down, the brunette knew it was all real and actually happening at that moment in time. 

“Komaeda do you-”

Komaeda answered him by just inching ever so closer, giving plenty of time to push him away. Komaeda’s mouth touched his, slow at first as if making sure he wanted it. He did. He wasn’t denying it any longer. He wanted to kiss Komaeda, to make him regain the love that it seems he lost. 

Hinata reached behind his head, playing at his fluffy hair as he felt his tongue move inside. Slowly at first, then without hesitation. Warmth built inside him and he couldn’t seem to get close enough. It was a whole new experience, and he couldn’t remember why he never wanted this. 

He ran his fingers through his soft, white hair, loving how the strands felt. Loving all the emotions cultivating through him, over him, making him feel so alive, so new. 

Komaeda pulled back, but Hinata could tell he didn’t want to. “I–”

“–don’t you say anything. I’m going to be honest with you, I enjoyed that. Probably more than I should’ve.” After a moment of thinking, the brunette decided to ask Komaeda what has been on his mind for a while, “Could you tell? Could you tell I liked you?”

“Mmm . . . I had suspected you did. Ever since you decided to look for me at that party, I could tell. No one has ever wanted to spend time with me as much as you have, Hinata-kun.”

The brunette blushed and turned his head, laughing. No way in hell would he have expected this to have happened, especially so soon after the conversation they had hours ago.

 _Right. That conversation. Did Komaeda still hate himself . . . even now?_ Hinata couldn’t help but worry for his friend(?) now that he had seen this whole other side of him. 

“Komaeda . . . it’s true. I like you, no, I love you. I’m fascinated by you and everything you do. You’re a mystery to me . . . and that’s what I love about you. When- when you started rambling about how you were meaningless, my heart was crushed! I don’t want to see you like this, ever!”

The fluffy-haired boy shook his head sadly. “I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. And I always will be.”

Hinata felt that familiar wetness in his eyes, a sign that he was crying for the second time today. “I don’t want you to be unhappy like this! Is there anything that I can do? Anything at all! I just want to help you, Komaeda!”

Hinata watched, patiently, as Komaeda thought of ways he could help. Hinata knew he was thinking because he had a face on that he always had on when he was trying to think of an answer to a question. 

Instead of answering with words, Komaeda pushed his mouth onto Hinata’s once more, and the two of them were at it again.

Hinata felt the coolness of Komaeda’s body, causing him to scootch closer on the bed in an attempt to warm him up. 

The two of them fell sideways, and Hinata felt a leg wrap around his own as if Komaeda was a koala. They slowly stopped kissing, but only because Komaeda had just passed out on top of Hinata.  _ Wow, he . . . he falls asleep quickly. _

Not wanting to move Komaeda, since he seemed so comfortable, he shifted so he was also comfortable, and started to let the comforting waves of sleep take over him, the second time this day. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a bit more heavy then I meant it to be-

**Author's Note:**

> Was that good? Idk you can tell me. I'll be sure to write more!


End file.
